Do not mess with the Parlay Gang - 24th Feb 2009

I'm tired with writing about KD Girls... for the mean time. At the end of the day I am no expert on them. So who the hell am I to make any comment? Ha! That's rich... coming from a guy who pays R15 a month to make sure the world (well, you, my small audience) knows what I think about them. But I think I am running a bit dry in finding angles to humourously attack KD Girls and the Jewish Johannesburg community. So I'll leave the main section as is for a while, and focus on my new section. Milktech!

Milktech, besides being an awesome name for a software game company, is about my passion in life. Computers and any form of technology that involves computers. So that kind of includes any form of modern technology, since you'll find a computer in everything new that is invented. Everything. Well not everything. But most things.

I will thus use this section to ramble on about technology. Hopefully in a manner which you will be able to appreciate, even if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Lets start with IMS. Everyone knows what IMS is, right? Duh. No, you fuckwit, it doesn't stand for Instant Messaging System. And if one more so-called IT person asks me if that's what it stands for I'll fucking shove his SIP enabled cellphone up his arse. IMS is the IP Multimedia Subsystem. IP is the Internet Protocol. So thus IMS stands for Internet Protocol Multimedia Subsystem. First, let me get this straight, IMS is not a subsystem. It is one big mofo of a system. You know when you go out to a club and you set your sights really high. You reckon you'll leave the place with a hottie that'll make other guys turn their heads. Well IMS wants to go to Circle Bar in Rosebank and leave with Megan Fox. Truth be told, IMS will only be able to leave with a nice (?) Jewish girl, and this is why my analogy is so fantastic. You see IMS wants to become the way that your cellphone will give you all the fantastic services that cellphone manufacturers and operators have been promising for years. Services such as Video on Demand, Gaming, Instant Messaging etc, all bundled into a unified platform and working seamlessly with each other. Any service, anywhere, anytime as so many companies love to repeat over and over and over and over and over and I want to fucking kill them and over and over and over.

So why my analogy is brilliant is because whilst Jewish girls are hot (I always feel gross calling girls hot), they have baggage, are high maintenance and have leaky abstractions. Okay, well, they don't have leaky abstractions. But IMS has the first two and leaky abstractions. Although, if you twist your brain in a particular way and you understand what a leaky abstraction is, you'd actually be able to say that Jewish girls have leaky abstractions. But I won't follow that train of thought any further. Anyway, so the reason that IMS has IP in its name is because it is based on the so-called ideal telecommunications networking technology, the Internet Protocol. If you are reading this, then you have been affected by IP. IP is the protocol directs information from the internet from its starting point in a computer, somewhere in, say, Dallas, through many different interconnecting devices, all the way to your computer thousands of kilometres away. So because IP interconnects the internet, people, or more correctly stupid people with lots of money, have decided that this should also interconnect your telephone or cellphone with all other telephones and cellphones in the world. As you may be sensing there are two main worldwide infrastructures for interconnection: 1) telecommunications networks, 2) the Internet. And everybody wants them to be merged. And then I ask, why the fuck would you shit where you eat? The internet is for porn. Your telephone is for phoning your granny once a year to wish her happy birthday. Join them, because...? Plus, from a technological standpoint IP was not designed for voice, despite what VoIP (Voice over IP: oh, is that what it stands for, yes you fuckwit) advertising might have you believe.

I mentioned SIP earlier. SIP stands for Session Initiation Protocol. It is the main technology (I hate interchanging the word "protocol" with "technology", but I do it here because you are a layman) used for VoIP. It is used for setting up sessions. Hence the name. A session specifies the parties involved in a call, and various agreements between them such as voice quality. That is where it should end. Setting up sessions. SIP does not stand for The Do Everything In the World Ever Including Your Mother protocol. And yet this is what the bigshots at the 3GPP (3rd generation partnership project) want to use it for. The 3GPP is a group of telecoms (the shortening of telecommunications) associations who blah blah blah (see Wikipedia) and who are specifying what IMS will do and how it will work. Imagine going out with a Jewish girl expecting that she will fulfil all your emotional, sexual and intellectual needs without any complications. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. Ha. Same for SIP. It will not do that. And you know what? SIP is governed by a specific standard which specifies particular messages which it sends between callers to setup and end a call. And the guys punting IMS, just kinda randomly out the blue, it almost seems, decided to use SIP for more than that. And what's worse is that they didn't use SIP as is. Nope, that bolted on some other shit to get it to do the "everything" that they wanted it to do. I'm not sure about yours, but my common sense seems to think that using an unsuitable technology to support multimedia services to be used simultaneously by hundreds of thousands of people worldwide is a BAD IDEA. And yes, it has been proved that IMS's hack together of SIP is terribly inefficient, even at doing the thing that SIP was designed for (setting up a session).

From the telecommunications level things look shit. But now let's look at the IT (information technology - please G-d you knew that, otherwise you should really really not be using a computer) world. For years, the telecommunications industry has been working towards allowing IT people, who (as is usually the case, although they believe otherwise) know fuck all about telecoms, develop applications using the telecoms infrastructure. Think about those SMS websites which allow you to easily send and receive SMS messages from your computer. Do you think the IT dudes who created those websites know what SS7, CAMEL and an MSC is? Ha. And yet, despite those elements being critical in the sending of "CU L8TER. YOU DA BEST FREND IN DA WORLD *MWAH*", to your best friend in the world ever, the guys who create these websites, don't know it. And this is due partly to the success of the telecommunication industry creating abstractions, and providing software programmers (IT dudes) with very very simplified access into the telecoms infrastructure. So abstractions are good, and if not good, then necessary for IT business. Now, IMS prides itself on being IT friendly. It does so using the things that the IT world likes, like things that come from the Internet world (which is effectively the IT world's answer to a telecoms network) such as IP, SIP, HTTP and (if I'm not mistaken) DHCP and even your telephone number will get replaced with something that looks like an e-mail address, eg:

I know a little bit about computer programming. Good computer programming relies on simplification and not repeating yourself. So then why, fuck why, if IMS is so IT friendly, if you (hypothetically) want to create a program do you need to know what a 200 Response is and a PRACK is. Bullshit. As I programmer I want one command: MakePhonecall. Easy. And that is possible. The fact that you need to know about 200 Reponses and PRACKs (which originate from SIP) means that you have a leaky abstraction. Leaky abstractions are bad. Thus IMS hasn't solved the problems it is supposed to. And yet, telecoms operators all over the world are spending lots and lots of money to set it up. Why? Dunno.

Okay... I'm bored now. This discussion is getting tedious.

Chat. Be patient... gimme a chance to log on.

Courtesy of Toast
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