God the Spin Doctor - 29th September 2008

I was watching the movie Evan Almighty the other day and Morgan Freeman comes out with this line... something to the effect of: most people think the story of Noah's Ark is about God's wrath, but it's actually a love story, about family bonding [building the ark together] - and you just gotta believe it. I mean, Morgan Freeman, he's God for Gods sake!!!

So it got me thinking, I mean, God can kinda spin things whatever way he wants. He wrote the book, and he controls the universe and all - so who's gonna argue?

So the story of Adam and Eve probably isn't a story of man's inherent failure but more like a cynical view of marriage. Eventually the snake got Eve, so she decided that Adam would have to suffer for eternity!

What about the Tower of Babel? People think that one is about man's arrogance that he can match/reach God by building a big tower... pff... no! It's a tale of class struggle and how if the workers unionise they are so much more powerful than if they all talking a different language. Just look at what COSATU are doing in SA now. They're running the show, because they see the oppressed construction worker in everybody.

Jonah and the whale? A tale of repentance bringing about redemption or a rock legend who rebels against the man, and realises that things are over his head, so he rocks out anyway and changes the world...

Shana Tovah Motherfuckers!

Music Soothes even my Savage Beast - 4th September 2008

I fully understand that people need to express their emotions in some way... We all do it... Hell, when functioning properly that's exactly what this website does for me. The thing is, that well, people don't actually express their emotions. I don't mean that people are closed off and isolated by society and all that sort of British stiff upper lip stuff, but rather that emotions are no longer personal. MTV generation has these generic emotions that Christina or Britney, Jay Z or JT "feel". Music has in many ways lost its soul. Lyrics are generic and the industry is directed at 12 year old girls who consume any dribble that gets put out with a sexual video and a few good dance moves.

Music does have this quality to change ones mood though. For those of you who took this title sexually, SHAME ON YOU!!! There I was walking along the Haifa promenade, thinking about how shit the world is, and about how my plans were all fucked up etc. So I whipped out my iPod and hit play on "Page & Plant". Within 5 minutes of Jimmy Page's masterful guitar and Robert Plant's rambling on I was placated. I found a hill overlooking the Mediterranean to sit down and fully appreciate both the view and the wonderful sounds in my ear.

So, here I created a sensual experience for myself. I used the natural beauty of the really otherwise sleepy city of Haifa to make a spectacular view to accompany the sounds of real musical masters (That being said, Page & Plant does lack some of the magic of Led Zepplin - I guess they're called Bonham & Jones). Anyway, so I've come to this conclusion that people are the way they are because they have sensual experiences created for them instead of creating their own (wow, if this catches on I'm gonna put so many shrinks out of business)... see it's kinda like "The Secret", it's what you manifest - er, no - the Secret is just another tool that corporate/the man/big brother uses to pin us into these contrived emotions. What we need is a way to really express ourselves, a blog where we can write FUCK, fuckidy fuck FUCK! If that's what we feel, or a song with no lyrics, just screaming - or if there are lyrics then let them be real, not written for public consumption.

Dammit people, be expressive! Do funny dances! Make silly noises! Write! Listen to music and sing along, alone in the car! Tell her how you feel for god's sake! Go back and watch all your favourite movies and all the ones you wanted to watch! Read! TRAVEL!!! TRAVEL!!! TRAVEL!!!

Good fucking advice! Who is this guy?

Epiphany - 4th September 2008

So I realise that my recent pieces have been not as funny or light hearted as my previous work... well, readers, all I have to say is I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!

Kol HaKavod KD - 18th June 2008

I'm now in Israel - part of my mission here is to consider the prospect of Aliyah [Immigration to Israel] either immediately or ultimately (because that's what Zionists [People who believe in the right of the Jewish people to a homeland in Israel] do, they make/consider making Aliyah). Right now the list looks as follows:

Tel Aviv - NO

However, as I sit here at Haifa train station I'm reflecting on my experience of the past week here in the "holy land". Well, the holy land has gone to the dogs... There is a bigger drug culture here then I have seen anywhere else on my travels, Tel Aviv - supposedly, Israel's finest most modern city looks as if they haven't built a building since the 1950's and the predominant culture is Arsie (Israeli Scum). So, how the hell do I still identify with these rude, obstinate people? Well, I guess that despite it all, I'm still a Zionist. I still believe in the dream of what a Jewish state could and should be. These are still my people - I guess. Anyway, I always said that if I made Aliyah it would be to Jerusalem, so hopefully that hasn't lost its "eternal" charm.

I constantly amaze myself at how in the depths of cynicism, which I am prone to, I find an optimistic slant - is it possible to be an optimistic cynic? Is that like being an optimistic agnostic?

(KD stands for King David, in case you didn't know)So where did the title come from - well, I guess KD is responsible in some ways for making me feel connected to Israel. KD is definitely responsible for teaching me Hebrew. I and by that I mean - We have a dream of KD on a star, looking down upon the rest of the world (through our upturned noses) - kinda like the King David Hotel in Tel Aviv:

Anyway I was talking in Hebrew to the guy at the hostel reception in Haifa and after seeing my passport he asked where I learned to speak such "GOOD" (wtf? Oh please carry on the flattery...) Hebrew - so I was forced to say I learned it at school, to which he replied "Kol HaKavod LeBait Sefer" (Well done to the school), so Kol HaKavod KD, it seems my 12 years (15 including Max Greenstein Nursery School) and multiple thousands of Rands were not entirely wasted!

Any Dream Will Do... - 2nd June 2008

It's been exactly 10 days since I went to see the matinee of Joseph and his Amazing Technicoloured Dream Coat. It is also exactly 10 days before I go to the holy land itself - the place where Theodore Herzl insisted that if we "will it, it is no dream" - coincidence? I think not!!!

Anyway, this post actually has little to do with the play barring the stolen title, of course when I actually saw the show, the only lyrics that came to mind were those of the parody "Jose' and his amazing technicoloured overcoat" - about Jose` "the special cunt" Mourinho for those who don't know it... Instead of "A puff of Smoke, A flash of light.. etc" it's "A corner kick is just enough, a little flick from Damien Duff etc" So really this post is about ambition - not the childhood I wanna be a fireman crap - not like any good Jewish child ever dreams of such menial labour anymore... it's about grown up ambitions.

Let me start with the general overview, the world today is messed up and it has resulted in warping our ambitions. For example, money, is pretty much the main ambition of people today, however you justify it to yourself, particularly in the worlds biggest cities. The bigger the city, the greater the necessity for money, after all that is what drives urbanisation in the first place. What is even more disturbing than a commercially driven urban wasteland is people's lack of ambition. This "phenomenon" extends right through the playstation generation. Here's how it goes (well, at least in the movies):

If you come from privilege then why aspire to more? What is the point of having everything you want because that leaves you with nothing to gain... so spend the money on booze, cars, women and drugs and squander the rest... because you have money and thus you are entitled to do what the fuck you like! Now, if you don't come from privilege then surely you have something to aim for? But, truth is you'll never get there anyway you dumb fuck! You were born poor and you'll die poor despite all this capitalism bullshit they chat about to make you pay your annual subscription to "the American dream" - the system is designed for you to fail because that's where they like to keep you - under their thumb, in the ghetto, where the only way out is either "a wicked jump shot, or selling crack rock", so might as well go shoot some kids at school. Sigh, Hollywood don't make 'em like they used to...

So where do I fit into this world of shit? Well, I'd say I'm middle class so I don't need to worry about getting outta da ghetto (phew), just about how much money I need to earn to get some respect from my peers and then I can go shoot it all up my nose - which to most people would be just fine - but me, I dunno, I guess I'm a utopian (That's a euphemism for still a little naïve)... I want to believe that I can at least do something to let me delude myself that I make a difference in the world (like the fireman example), and something I'll really enjoy. The fundamental problem I have is that I have this typical syndrome that John Lennon called: "they tortured and scared you for 20 odd years, and then they expect you to pick a career when you can't really function, you're so full of fear" - sigh, yes, a working class hero IS something to be - I guess I better stop all this procrastinating and get a job then...

The world is my oyster, as the saying goes, the dilemma is I don't know what the hell I want to do with my life! What am I going to do to fulfil the above criteria? I need an ambition, a real ambition. People dream about fulfilling their goals, and living out their wildest dreams. They say all you need to do is dream, so for me any dream will do...

END NOTE: Lawrie has no affiliations with any film, music or stage productions - although maybe he should - this post is merely a reflective narration inspired by various artists in these fields.

Mass Media - 2nd June 2008

There's a great advert on circuit here in the UK now - basically, it goes: No EURO2008 for England; no EURO2008 for Scotland; no EURO2008 for Ireland; no EURO2008 for Wales... don't worry, Premiership starts in August!

Sloth - 23rd May 2008

Shit! I can't believe that it's been this long since I was at this place! So, here we are coming back to milktar - giving it back that little bit of spice, salsa, jalapeño and all I got to say is guacamole-mole-mole... excuse my MeHHHican Spanish.

So, like milktar himself I too have managed to get a degree outta that hell hole Wits and I am now doing the whole bohemian travel the world for a year thingy... truth is, that if I'm that bohemian, that desperate to "find" myself and all that new age hippie crap then probably would not be in London right now, looking for a job in a bank to conservatively ensure my future upon my return. I'd be in Tibet, India or Nepal. I would have no computers, cell phone or TV to waste my time. I did spend 2 and a half men months travelling in USA, Canada, MeHHHico and CHuba but really, that isn't what this is all abOOt (as they say in Canada).

I came upstairs with the genuinely right attitude to TAR. You see I'm both bored and frustrated, my two major drivers on this site! Actually, frustration is probably one of my major drivers in life - I actively seek to be unhappy with what I have! I need to strive to be happy in order to be genuinely happy - fucked up! I know! You're probably all thinking right now that I'm an ungracious, self-centred and obnoxious twat! Here this SAFFA (a term used by Ozzies and Poms for Suth Africaanse) is off travelling the world complaining he's bored with London, clearly one the most exciting and cosmopolitan cities in the world!

So why am I sitting around doing FUCK ALL DIDDLY SQUAT? I started coming up with a number of excuses; I'm a London regular so sightseeing is unnecessary, I have friends here, all of whom work full time in the London rat race and don't have time for me except for weekends and well... it's all bullshit! Someone said to me in America that "If you can't find something to do in New York, it's not because there's something wrong with New York..." and the same applies for London. The real reason I'm bored and not out in the city doing something is I've hit a lazy rut! When your life takes a turn for the lethargic it becomes self perpetuating - the less you do the less you want to do - so I guess it's high time I get stuck into doing something... like TARing!

I've had a number of ideas for things to post upon my return but when I sat down to write this I genuinely didn't know what was going to come out... and here it is, all my ideas flushed down the toilet for a long winded excuse as to why I haven't been writing!!!

Chat. Be patient... gimme a chance to log on.

Courtesy of Toast
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